Relationship Tips

From the Members of San Gabriel Valley CAMFT

(Tip no. 1)To have intimacy one must be willing to risk being rejected.

I know for me personally one of the reasons I am single is because of fear. Fear to be exposed, fear to be vulnerable but because of my fear, others don't get to know me and then because they don't know me, they don't want to get to know me better. Therefore it perpetuates a sense of singleness and loneliness. I know I am not alone in this because I study people and talk to people daily about their fears anxieties, loneliness and trust issues. So how do we stop this cycle?

Time has passed and I have realized I am shatter proof. I nick, scratch and sometimes cut others but I don't break. I do get hurt and cry but I am resilient. Any brokenness only grows back stronger than before. You know how super glue on something makes that piece stronger than the rest. That item will never break in that same spot again. Well as humans we have healing of scars that works as superglue. Friends, family, God, a therapist - they can all pick us up and help heal our hurts. Sustaining us through the hard times and helping us get back together.

We have the freedom to take risks. They can be healthy or unhealthy, good or bad, wise or stupid. But we have that freedom. Whatever we have done in our past is forgiven and whatever we do in our future, is covered by grace. Not that that means we can go and do stupid things on purpose. That would be, um – stupid (smile). But if we do make mistakes as long as we learn, grow and mature, it will make us stronger and actually more interesting to others.

Who wants plain vanilla? Most people want the candy on top, fruit or another flavor completely. That is spice, life experience, variety, what makes you special and unique. Sheltering and protecting oneself only makes one less attractive. We are drawn to the adventurer, ‘life of the party', We may not want to date them but we do want to know them. Its because they are – usually being raw, themselves in a vulnerable (sometimes not quite our style ) way.

We have to take risk. We have to be interested in others and ask them about their feelings, beliefs, faith and relationship with God and others.

We have to be comfortable with ourselves. We have to love ourselves. If I don't love my life, who I am and who I was made to be, how can I give to others? How can I believe when others say they love me? How can I trust that other person, if I don't see what is intrinsically good in myself.

How do you think of yourself,? Do you love yourself? Your life? IF yes – GREAT! If not? Why not? What do you need to change so that you can love yourself.

You are beautiful, lovable and cherished! You are PERFECTLY YOU! If you don't believe that, do something to start believing that. GET IN THERAPY, start a new hobby, find a job you love, go back to your passions, Read The Bible. You are valuable and lovable. Now go take a risk! ☺

(Tip no. 2)Relate with yourself first

When considering the health of your relationships with others, remember to look at your relationship with yourself first. -Do you ever feel lonely even though you are in a relationship? -If you are not in an intimate relationship, do you have a fear of being alone in the future? Whether you are in an intimate relationship with another or not, you are happy with your life today, this hour, if you are in a good relationship with yourself. Kris Topaz, LMFT